Lousy Summer!

Walking away from the life I used to have is like a chocolate taken away from me and is forbidden for me to eat. It sounds duh, and I really can’t explain. It’s really not my choice but I have to do this for my sake and our own sake. I’ll let go of all of the things happened until the 31^st day of March, leave it all behind, try to forget those [for pain’s sake], and start, get used of another, yet old life, on the next morning which is the 1^st day of April.

Bidding goodbye isn’t smooth at all. And so as bidding byes to the life I used to have. 4years I have been solitary, on my own, with nobody. Homesick, sadness, loneliness, felt it. There are times that I wanna go home to my real home to throw away my cold heart. But I just can’t coz I have to bear with such situation. It was a real hard at first. But as it goes by the time, I enjoyed being alone. Call me loner, or whatever. I can hear you, it’s all right. Who would never want an independent life? High school felt like college years for me, slight. It wasn’t normal for my age to have college years’ solitary. I had fun, honestly. Going out and coming in of my ‘house’ without concerning to whom I will let know of my business. I don’t have to ask permissions, the gate is always open for me. Freedom was my name. I also don’t have to worry about bucks, I have my allowance. Not saying that I’m ‘gastadora’. But I also know how to be thrifty, of course I have to or else, I’d sleep with empty stomach. Budgeting seemed so easy and fun, yes, fun. Curfew wasn’t in my vocabulary too. A.k.a. what’s-that-word? I didn’t care about time curfews. It was that easy to let my housemates know what time I will be home, and presto! Okay na. manang yaya will just be there, sleep, and open the gate whenever I buzz. That time, my parents were like ghosts for me. I know they were there but I can’t see them.

Since time really works, the real curfew of my high school days came. I ended my high school and I have to end my freedom too. The one I wanted long before, which is going home to my real home, is dancing on my palm and have to get hold of it. Of course, when I say home, hah, ghosts no more. I’ll be taken care of the real ones of the same blood as mine. As I’ve said, it wasn’t easy. But I know everything will be fine, I know.

I can’t believe, with just one summer morning, everything will change. I mean, my life will change, that snap! Guardians, parents, permission to go out of home, right time of meals, phone calls from time to time to know where I am, all of these are not my adaptations! I hate it every time they ask me where I am all the time. I hate it whenever I have to ask permission to go out and be with friends or cousins. And when not permitted, I have to lock my self at home, home alone! And wait for another day, hoping to be permitted. I hate it when I have to eat although I feel so full yet. Aah! I-am-not-okay-with-these! You may say I demand so much and I smell like spoiled brat. I’m sorry but if only you knew how hard it is, you’ll understand. If only you have lived with me for 4years, you’ll get by with me. I can’t explain! All I know is that, it really is that hard! I know that the life that I have to bear right now is like, the normal one and my other, past life, is like the abnormal one. I can read you. You agree with the last phrase I have thrown. But for me, it’s the other way around. How I wish I can stroll just like others I know. How I wish I can laugh with others I wish to be with. Not locked up at my own home, literally. Too bad, I don’t have my own keys. Uuh, im dead!

But if I have to think deeper and face the reality, it’s better to be at home. Why? Because being alone, I have realized that it’s really tiring. I don’t know but I got tired at the end of my race, honestly. I can get my college to same city where I had my high. I really can. But if not to somebody, [you know who?] I’ll not prefer to go back home. Not just because of that somebody, but of course, I want to end my tiring years and get rest. Hmm, if I say about my family, yes, they are also part of my reasons why I decided to shift my place. Sometimes, I can’t help but think about things like, what if I am having the 5^th year of my independence? Maybe I’d be enjoying still. Especially I’d be having more years. But on the other side of the room, it wasn’t that good anyway. I’ll be missing a lot. Now, I’m still bearing with adjustments and changes. Hopefully, with God’s help, I’ll get used soon and my mind will be placed at the right place, where I can understand everything to avoid disappointments and hatred. I know He’ll help me. =)