It's a Toxic

The reason why I made this note is that, honestly, I really can’t get rid of you. You’re gentle touch still haunts me in most of my time. How you’d get past of my mind in times I’m seeing myself staring into nothing but all the memories. It’s just— not easy having these.

I’m still in the process of adapting life without somebody to pour affection, that very affection that is shared by two mutually linked by a mysterious connection through thy hearts. It’s a question how I learned to define this, but one thing is for sure, you partly taught me. You’re someoneI’m really, surely, and emotionally missing. AsI have mentioned, you’re still haunting me, with all ways, I don’t know, it’s something irrevocable. I really miss you. Really. But I think I have no rights to miss you anymore, nor love you. We have nothing anymore, even friendship is still doubted. We also have nothing to hold on, even memories such precious are starting to fade.

How I hate looking back with bitterness every time I scan those sweets in my mind. It’s something unavoidable as you invading my dreams all these nights. I have no idea why even at my dreams; I’m seeing you, seeing myself with you which are a total fiction coz I know this would never ever happen again. But I’m positive, though. Anyways, backing up, everyday, I reminisce how we would spend our every day before. I still can remember the scent of your hair, the gentleness of your hugs that hypnotizes me more than any lullabies I have heard. That stolen kisses on my cheeks that are ever precious; those pinches on my nose that hurts but still sweet. Whispers finding their way to my ears saying “I love you” several times, is such a great miss. Your hands fitting mine, your eyes soothing through my soul, and your breath I just can’t resist. You’re really somebody that slowly occupies such part of my heart until one day, suddenly got lost.

Yes, you, I, got lost on the way.

Maybe there is less feeling of pain now. But there’s still a little about the distance we already are dealing. Like, you standing in Europe, and I standing in Asia, which was, thinking way back before, there’s only that thin air left between us. And what hurts me more, is when we are standing on the same ground, can’t even touch a pore of your skin nor look straightly in your eyes. Can you help me figure this out? Why is this becoming so hard?

I know we went through a series of some kind of emotional tortures; we can’t blame either of us. But we sort of stepped out of the door, that limit, which drove us to break promises made and this isn’t normal anymore. What happened to your promise of you not leaving me behind and not giving me up? And what happened to my promise of extending extra patience? And a whole lot more of promises. These made me believe that promises are ever, always, made to be broken. Not for the intent of breaking it, though, but uttering it and later, break it.

These are enough reasons why I have to say looking back with all bitterness is what I don’t want to smell. The mixture of sweetness and pain is what makes it bitter and annoying in my part. There is that want that whenever I look back, I may see bright. But there’s that corner being dark.

But, with all due respect to our morale and the relationship we had, I’m thankful of everything. Coz puzzling each minute of what happened to us made me stronger than ever. But I’m not to what happened to us now. I’m trying not to worry and care less about you, or not even care a little. But I can’t help but letting myself involved of helping you out. Maybe I was just got used to it or something. But it is not, it’s coming from the heart that reaches out to you whenever I know a part of you not getting good. Forgive me with all I’ve done, for I think, with all I was to you, was pain. Sorry. I’m getting more fragile with every other complication and I’m scared of it— me getting more brittle. May you forgive me as I have forgiven you, with all you have caused me, let’s burry those down. And as we burry all down, I’m hoping for your betterment and my restoration. I loved you…but I guess I’m not enough. You loved me…but it’s hurting. So maybe that’s just it—we’re not complementing. Maybe some other time, we might work out better and rekindle the flame. But let us just don’t hold on to which may disappoint. Yet, I’m open to everything including friendship. We have much time left and we’re young, anyways.

I still have not got over with everything. And I still can’t get over us. I’m counting and its 14days close to August18. Memories are still fresh and reserved. Happy 1^st Anniversary…=( I told you and I’m telling you, I love you!